He remembered one of them, Martin. The way Martin has lived
his life, surely he was in hell. He went to the administrator to
check. Martin was indeed in hell and, yes, he could visit him.

On the stated day, one of the fallen angels came to take
him. They went through a large number of dark corridors, and
eventually emerged into a huge place. It was filled with people
talking, singing, and laughing. It was saturated with smoke;
there were bottles of liquor everywhere; and there were a large
number of gorgeous women, with very little on them.

The angel took him to Martin. After the small talk and the
hugging, Lester asked the obvious question: “This is hell with
liquor everywhere and such beautiful women?”

“My friend,” replied Martin, “this is indeed hell. Here the
bottles have holes and the women don’t!”

*  *  *
A man died and went to heaven. On the first day, the
administrator filled him in on the routine of the place. One of
the things he mentioned, was that transportation depended upon
how faithful a person was to one’s spouse during his or her
lifetime. This man has never cheated on his wife. He was
therefore given a Mercedes. In time, two of his friends, and
eventually his wife, died.

The first friend was not always faithful and was given a
motorcycle. The second often cheated on his wife and was given a
bicycle.

One day the man in the car meets his friend on his bicycle.
After catching up on old times, he says: “I feel bad that you
have to travel on a bicycle, heaven is such a big place.”

“Don’t be sorry for me,” he replies. “I just saw your wife,
she was on roller-skates.”

*  *  *

An engineer died and went to hell. Being an engineer, he
found that the place needed a lot of improvements. He had a long
talk with Lucifer and was given carte blanche to effect all the
necessary changes. He started by building small apartments to
give the damned a measure of privacy. He build bridges over the
fiery pits. Finally, he installed air conditioning!

When word reached St. Peter as to what was going on in hell,
he hit the roof. He send one of his angels to Lucifer with
instructions to wreck all the work undertaken by this engineer.
But Lucifer would have none of it. The matter was then
approached in a different way. Can the case of this engineer be
reviewed to determine if he could be taken out of hell? When the
records were reviewed, it turned out that there has been a major
administrative error. The engineer was a good man and should
have gone to heaven.

The triumphant angel returned to Lucifer. “I will not give
him back,” said Lucifer. “This man is invaluable to me. And
there is nothing you can do about it.”

“Yes, I can,” replied the angel. “If you don’t give him
back, we will sue you.”

“Are you crazy,” said Lucifer. “Do you know how many
lawyers we have here?”

*  *  *
The boss asks his employee: “Do you believe in life after
death?”

“I certainly do,” the employee replied.

“That’s a good thing,” remarked the boss. “Yesterday, while
you were at your grandmother’s funeral, she came here to visit
you!”

*  *  *
A man was travelling through Europe. While in Rome, he
visited a small church. There he noticed on a small table a
golden telephone with a sign next to it stating: “Telephone
calls to heaven, $1,000.00.” In Paris, again he encountered the
same golden telephone and the same prohibitive rate. The story
repeated itself in other European countries. He was curious but
he wasn’t willing to pay such an amount. His last stop was
Ireland. There, in a small church, he found the golden telephone
with a sign stating: “Telephone calls to heaven, 25 cents.”
Very surprised, he questioned the priest: “How come a call to
heaven is a $1000.00 everywhere in Europe and here it’s only 25
cents?”

“My son,” explained the priest patiently, “you’re in Ireland
now. This is a local call.”

“What difference does it make?” asked the bemused salesman.

“Well, I am expecting the plumber in the afternoon,” replied
the woman.

                                               * * *
A magician routinely tried his magic tricks on his family.
One day, he attempted a complex trick. His wife was transformed
into a sofa, and his two children into two chairs. When he tried
to bring them back, he failed. In a great panic, he called 911.
Considering the circumstances, a moving van was sent to take his
family to the emergency. When he in turn arrived at the
hospital, he was told that his wife and children were undergoing
emergency surgery. The man waited for hours until a surgeon
finally emerged from the operating room. “How are they doing
doctor?” he asked anxiously.

“Resting,” came the reply.
                                              * * *
The invisible man went to his doctor. He had no
appointment. He approached the receptionist and asked to be
squeezed in. She checked with the doctor, came back, and told
the man: “The doctor can’t see you.”
                                              * * *
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy arsenic.

“What for?” asks the pharmacist.

“To kill my husband,” she replies.

“Are you crazy? This is murder. You can go to jail for the
rest of your life,” he exclaimed.

“No, for I have mitigating circumstances,” she replied. She
then opened her handbag, fished out a picture and handed it to
the pharmacist. “This is my husband and next to him is his
mistress.”

“Good Lord,” shouted the pharmacist. “The woman in the
picture is my wife. Why didn’t you tell me from the beginning
that you have a prescription?”
                                                * * *
A Jewish woman was elected as the President of the United
States. On the day of the inauguration, there was a big crowd,
and in the first row were notable personalities and the mother of
the woman in question. Next to the mother was seated one of the
supreme court justices. When the time came to take the oath, the
mother nudged the judge and pointed to her daughter: “you see
the woman taking the oath?”

“Yes, what about her?”

“Well, her brother is a doctor.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you, Mr. President.  It’s just that
the last time I talked to a bush, I got stuck in the desert for
40 years!”

                                            *  *  *

A man finds the proverbial bottle and liberates the genie.
In return, the genie grants him three wishes.  But there is one
condition attached to that.  “Anything you wish for, all the
politicians in the world will get twice as much,” explains the
genie.

The man is fine with that.  “My first wish is to have a
Jaguar,” he says.  There is now a Jaguar in his garage, and every
politician on the planet now owns two Jaguars.

“I would like a million dollars,” added the man.  He now has
a bank account with a million dollars, and every politician in
the world gets two million dollars.

The man was now hesitating.  “What is your third wish?”
asks the genie.

To this the man replies:  “Well, I have always wanted to
donate one of my kidneys …”
                                           *  *  *
Why did the raisin go out with a prune?

He couldn’t find a date.
                                            *  *  *
A man finds a bottle on the beach and opens it.  Out comes a
genie with an attitude.

“My three wishes,” started the man “are, first …”

“I only grant one wish,” interrupted the genie .  “So make
it count.”

The man takes a map from his pocket and points out at a
small town and a body of water.  “I would like to have a bridge
built over the river to connect my town to the main city.”

“Too complicated,” said the genie.  “Pick something else.”

“Have the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup next
year,” countered the man.

“Quit asking for the impossible,” said the genie in an angry
voice.

“Sometimes during the next ten years?” said the man in a
small voice.

“Let me have a look at this map again,” said the genie in a
tired voice.

“It’s holy water from Lourdes for my auntie,” replied the
woman.

But the custom officer was suspicious. “Sorry, but I’ll
have to open it and check the content.”

“That will upset my auntie to no end. She wants the water
just as it came out of the holy spring,” said the woman.

But the officer would not relent. He opened the bottle,
pored a bit in a glass and tasted it. “It’s rum, ma’am,” he
exclaimed.

“Rum?” shouted the woman. “Lord be praised. A miracle.”

* * *
Bob Miller was taking his family for a week to a luxurious
resort in the Bahamas. Since his three children have only been
exposed to cottage vacations, he called them to inform them as to
what to expect.

“Mommy, the three of you, and myself are going for a very
nice vacation. We will have a small cottage just for us. We
won’t have to do any work. A maid will clean the cottage, make
the beds, and tidy the place. We will place our dirty laundry in
a bag; it will be washed, folded, and brought back to us. We
won’t have to buy food or cook. We will go to the restaurant and
choose what we like from a buffet. There are two large pools,
the ocean and a beautiful beach. There is also a play area
filled with toys and games.”

Little Janet, 3, clapped her hands in joy at the prospect of
being able to play in the play area. Nelson, 5, was over the
moon and couldn’t wait to swim in the ocean and the pools. But,
Eddy, 7, had a puzzled look on his face.

“Do you have any questions Eddy?” asked Bob.

“Yes dad,” he replied. “Why are we taking mommy?”

* * *
A woman noticed many years ago that red wine gave her a
headache. So she avoided it, and drank only white wine.

One day, she was invited, with her husband, to a banquet.
Because of an error in the seating arrangement, she was placed at
one end of the table and her husband at the other end. But no
matter, she was surrounded by interesting people and was
thoroughly enjoying herself. It took her a while, therefore, to
realize that she has distractedly pored red wine in her glass,
and has been drinking it all through the meal. And no headache!
In her joy, she lifted her glass and shouted to her husband at
the other end of the table, “honey, I don’t have a headache
tonight.”
* * *
The topic in a philosophy class has been whether there was a
God or not. Arguments went back and forth for a whole week.
But, this being philosophy, the matter was never settled.

On Friday, at the end of the lecture, the professor
announced that, due to personal reasons, Monday’s test was
postponed by a week. Just then, a voice was heard saying, “There
is a God!”

*  *  *

This man left a simple will:

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

*  *  *

Why did Moses spent 40 years in the desert?

Even then men were reluctant to ask for directions.

*  *  *

Woman to her doctor: Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm.

Doctor: So what are you doing about it my child?

Woman: I use a lot of black pepper.

*  *  *

Two women living in the same building were constantly
fighting. Eventually, the matter ended up in court.

On the appointed day, they presented themselves in front of
the judge. But, the judge was unable to determine what the
problem was, for they were still fighting.

“Ladies,” said the judge, “stop this nonsense this minute.
You will testify one at a time. Let the oldest one start.”

Apparently, the case had to be dismissed because the
witnesses refused to testify.

*  *  *

During the Sunday service at a convention of accountants,
the sermon delivered was called “The Sermon on the Amount.”

*  *  *

A dog walks into a telegraph office and dictate the
following to the clerk:

“Woof Woof Woof. Stop. Woof Woof Woof. Stop. Woof Woof
Woof. Stop.”

“How much will that be?” asked the dog.

“$10.00,” replied the clerk. “You’re also entitled to one
free word. Would you like to add another Woof?”

“Nah,” replied the dog. “That will change the meaning of
the message.”

As she was leaving, she overheard the caterer saying that
next week there would be an outdoor Bar-Mitzvah in the same
garden.

On the way back, Bea met her best friend, Bess the bee. She
told her what happened, and they both decided to attend the Bar-
Mitzvah.

On the appointed day, Bea to her surprise noted that Bess
had a yarmulke (skullcap worn during Jewish religious ceremonies)
on her head.

“Why on earth do you have a yarmulke on your head?” Bea
inquired.

“You told me it’s a Bar-Mitzvah,” replied Bess.

“So what, you’re not even Jewish,” countered Bea.

“Well, I didn’t want them to think that I am a WASP,”
replied Bess.

*  *  *

Two nuns walk into a fruit and vegetable store. They pick up
two bananas and go to pay for them.

“I only have two more bananas left; since it’s closing time
I’ll give you the whole thing at half price,” said the owner.

One nun looks at the other and say, “you know, we can always
eat them.”

*  *  *

Two friends are discussing the stock market.

Louie: I had a terrible year; by the end of 2008 my net
worth had decreased by 12%.

Larry: I am sorry to hear that; I, on the other hand, had a
great year. I invested heavily in white pepper futures and
managed to increase my net worth by 15%.

Louie: Whoa! That’s nothing to sneeze at!

*  *  *

A little boy was walking with his father when they came
across a donkey with a huge erection.

“Look, look, daddy,” the boy exclaimed, “something is wrong
with this donkey.”

“There is nothing wrong with the donkey, son, he is just
sick. He will get better,” replied the father.

A few months later the boy was walking with his mother
when they came across a donkey “afflicted” with the same ailment.

“Look, look, mom,” said the boy pointing at the donkey’s
erection, “this donkey is sick, but he will get better.”

“Who told you such nonsense?” asked the mother.

“Dad,” replied the boy.

“Your dad knows nothing.” She then added wistfully, “I wish
your father was as healthy as this donkey!”

*  *  *

A little boy saw his pregnant mother undressing.

“What’s this you have in your stomach, mom,” asked the boy.

“It’s a baby,” she replied.

“Who gave you the baby?” he asked.

“Dad,” she answered.

Next the boy went to his dad.

“Did you really give a baby to mommy?” he enquired.

“Yes, son,” he replied.

“Well, I have bad news, she ate it up,” he declared.

*  *  *

A girl was walking with her boyfriend when a bird left an
unwanted deposit on her beautiful white dress.

Horrified, she asks her boyfriend if he has any toilet
paper.

“What for,” he replied, “that bird is already far away.”

*  *  *

How does a tax accountant ensures his immortality?

By having a loophole named after him.

*  *  *

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as
an undertaker.

*  *  *

Why would an accountant decides to switch to actuarial work?

Because he finds bookkeeping too exciting.

*  *  *

An accountant visit the museum of natural history.  As he is
looking at the fossil of an ancient fish, a fellow approaches him
and asks:  “How old do you think that fish is?”

“440 million years and 10 months,” replied the accountant.

“Amazing,” exclaimed the fellow.  “How can you be so
precise?”

“I was here 10 months ago and the curator informed me that this
fish was 440 million years old,” replied the accountant.

*  *  *

After reading nursery rhymes to his four-year-old, this
accountant asks the little fellow if he has any questions?

“Yes, dad, when Little Bo Peep lost her sheep, would that be
tax deductible?” asked the boy.

“No, son, but I like your thinking,” replied the dad.

“He is such a sensitive child. Let’s wait until he’s older
before we tell him you’re an accountant.”

*  *  *

This accountant had just read the Cinderella story to his
five-year-old daughter. The little girl loved the story,
especially the part when the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
After a moment of silence she enquired, “Dad, when the pumpkin
turns into a golden coach, would that be classified as income or
capital gain?”

*  *  *

A businessman tells his friend that he is looking for an
accountant.

“Didn’t you hire a new accountant a few months ago?” asks
the friend.

“That’s the accountant we’re looking for,” replies the
businessman.

*  *  *

A businessman hires a private detective to find his missing
accountant.

The detective informs him that he will need a description
and begins questioning him.

“Was he tall or was he short?”

“Both!” the businessman answers.

*  *  *

A woman goes to see her doctor with some alarming symptoms.
The doctor examines her and order a battery of tests.

A week later, when all tests are received, he calls her in.

When she enters his office, he has a solemn expression on
his face.

“Sit down please,” he tells her.

“What is it doctor?” she asks

“It’s bad news. You have a very aggressive cancer,” he
replies.

“How long do I have?”

“One year at the most.”

“That’s terrible. What should I do?”

“I suggest you marry an accountant.”

“Will that make me live longer?”

“No,” replies the doctor. “But it will seem longer.”

Owner: Did they check the books?

Employee: They practically took them apart.

Owner: What did they say?

Employee: They want 10% to keep quiet.

* * *

Who was the first accountant?

Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf,
made the first entry, buggered up the monthly accounts, and
raised the first liability.

* * *

The doctor enters his heart transplant patient room with a
big smile on his face.

“It’s almost unheard off. But we have two donors for you.
You’re given a chance to choose.”

The patient is beaming. He asks, “What were their
professions?”

“One was an engineer and the other was an accountant.”

“I’ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I
want one that hasn’t been used.”

* * *

An accountant is suffering from insomnia and goes to see his
doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t fall asleep at night”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend hours
trying to find it.”

* * *

An accountant dies and goes to heaven. After welcoming him,
St. Peter asks him: “What took you so long?”

“What do you mean Sir, I died young, I was only 47.”

St. Peter looks puzzled. He looks through his records and
says, “according to your billing records we have estimated that
you were at least 94 when you died.”

“How much will that be?” asks the neutron.

“For you,” replies the barman, “no charge.”

*  *  *

Charles Dickens walks into a bar – the bartender says,
“Olive or Twist?”

*  *  *

A fellow has been sitting in a bar for hours staring at a
girl wearing impossibly tight pants.

Finally, curiosity gets the best of him and he walks over to
her and asks: “How do you get into those pants?”

The young lady carefully examines him and answers: “Well,
you could start by buying me a drink …”.

*  *  *

A man walks into a bar and to his surprise he sees a dog
playing poker.

“Bartender, am I seeing things here?” the guy asks.

“No, it’s really a dog playing poker,” the bartender assured
him.

“Well, is he any good?” the fellow asks.

“Nah, every time he has a good hand, he wags his tail.”
replied the bartender.