We find it normal to raise our children in a small cell made out of mom, dad, and the kid sister. Sadly, this goes against the dictates of our species. We are social and intelligent animals. We need in our formative years the influence of many other adults besides our parents.

We often hear that it takes a village to raise a child. However, most of us do not have a clue as to what that means.

The first humans lived in clans (a small group of people), this was followed by tribes (a larger group of people), and finally in agricultural settlements (villages). Under these arrangements, children were a shared responsibility. To put in different terms, they were exposed to many views and, therefore, viewed the world very differently than modern children.

In many parts of the world, children are raised by a group of people (I will refer to it as the clan upbringing). Unfortunately, because these parts of the world are beset by many problems, the benefits brought on by the clan upbringing are obscured. I will, however, later on, talk of how I have benefited from the clan upbringing.

How are children, and later adults, affected by being raised by their parents only?

It opens the way for intense relationships. We expect our parents to provide us with everything we need, be it physical, emotional, or mental. That’s impossible! They are just two human beings laboring under many constraints (personal, work-related, financial, etc.). They do their best, but they are destined to fail as parents! They will do well in some areas, be average in others, and generally perform poorly in most areas. (Abuse, which is inexcusable under any circumstances, is not addressed here.) Remember, they are trying to do the most difficult job we will ever be called upon to do: raise children from infancy to adulthood all by themselves.

We have in our society many individuals who need therapy. This can range from counselling to resolve a particular issue, to psychiatric sessions which can last for many years. I am all for providing this kind of help when it is needed. Where I take issue, is the fact that parents are often discussed and their relationship with the patient dissected. Don’t misunderstand me, I am neither blaming the therapist nor the patient. What I am trying to do is go back to my starting point and raise the following questions: Is the fact that parents today are raising their children in a way that is incompatible with the needs of our species ever discussed? Is the field of psychology even aware of the problem?

Intense relationships, and the accompanying problems, do not develop between parents and children only, but they start there. Let me provide two more examples.

We expect our spouses to provide everything for us. Not unlike what we expected from our parents. We therefore, sooner or later, are going to hit a brick wall. We can recover and face reality, and in this case our marriage will recover and may be even stronger; or abandon ship and have, what is politely referred to in our society, a failed marriage. The high percentage of failed marriages and its ramification is probably the biggest social problem we have in our society right now.

Relationships with our friends can be intense; this is especially true for teen relationships. Friendship should never be intense, rather, it should be more diffuse. For example, an adolescent with a problem should not accept the opinion of her best friend only. She should get a second and third opinion, preferably from adults rather than other teens. We all have a horror story to tell; something that happened to a niece, a grandson, or even our own children. It can range from substance abuse, an unwanted pregnancy, and on to criminal activities.

Identifying a problem is one thing, suggesting solutions is another matter. I will discuss one solution to address the above issue. However, before doing so, I will describe my own experience with the clan upbringing.

I was born, and spent the first 20 years of my life, in Cairo, Egypt. My family was originally from Italy. I am myself a third generation Italian born in Egypt. While French is my mother tongue, I spoke both French and Arabic fluently. For the “true” Egyptians, we were considered as Afrang (foreigners). Foreigners or not, we benefited from the special atmosphere that existed in this wonderful country without suffering from the poverty that plagued most of the Egyptian people.

I had the misfortune to come into the world when people believed that holding a crying baby would spoil him. Actually, in our household, my mother was the only person that subscribed to that erroneous theory. The household in question included my father, my maternal grandmother, an aunt, and the maid. I was told that when my mother left, I was grabbed and cuddled by the other members. Even when my mother was home, her objections were often ignored. Oh, I left out the neighbors who came unannounced and without further ado grabbed me and consoled me. There my mother was helpless. It would have been rude to tell them anything.

We know today how critical it is to hold and cuddle a baby at every opportunity. This is the time when the brain forms critical connections. Therefore, thanks to the other members of the clan, the damage was limited.

The aforementioned grandmother lived with my parents in the winter; in the summer, she went back to her son in Alexandria. When I was 3 years old, my parents decided to try an experiment. They sent me to Alexandria with my grandmother to escape the implacable heat of Cairo. It was agreed that somebody would bring me back if I missed my parents. That never happened! I stayed in Alexandria for 3 months and got exposed to a brand new clan: aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, and many other people. And it was no different than Cairo. Everybody had his say as to how to deal with my mischiefs. (Apparently, I was a real hellion!)

Do not assume for a moment that I didn’t love my parents, I loved them (and still cherish their memories for they are both departed now) dearly. I also knew exactly who my parents were; there were never confused with other members of the clan.

After the war, we moved into an apartment building that had 10 units. In other words, 9 other families to be added to the clan. There was very little turnover. Therefore, I had many years to know these people and interact with them. I can say that not only did I learn a lot from them, I actually took something from their varied personalities that is still part of who I am today.

Merchants in our area were also part of the equation. I still remember being berated by the grocery store owner on our street. What was my sin? I didn’t haggle over the prices! In Egypt, you’re expected to negotiate until you’re sure you got the best price. The fact that I was only 9 was not a valid excuse. You’re never too young to learn.

Modern parents monitor their children’s activities by arming them with cell phones at a young age. They are expected to report regularly on their activities or privileges can be suspended. Parents may use GPS to keep track of their teens when they borrow the family car. The clan solution was low tech: other human beings. If I was tempted to break the rules, I had to be mindful of the fact that a person who knew my parents (or an uncle, cousin, neighbor, etc.) could see me and report the misdemeanor to them. I would then be lectured not only by them, but by other family members, neighbors, the maid, etc. Believe me, it was far simpler to walk on the straight and narrow than to hear all the time: “Don’t you know how much your parents are doing for you? Do you want to break their hearts?”

How did the clan upbringing impact on my life as an adult?

My life has not been easy. I suppose you can pick at random any adult on the planet and quickly be apprised of the fact that his or her life has not been easy. Therefore, I am not singling myself out. These were my circumstances.

I left Egypt when I was 20 and went to Italy. I had to adapt to a new country and learn a new language. It didn’t work out in Italy and I immigrated to Israel. Again I had to adapt to a new country and learn a new language. After a number of years in Israel, I immigrated to Canada. I had to adapt to a new country but mercifully this time I didn’t have to learn a new language. I already knew French and English.

Canada in many ways proved to be a wonderful country for me. I married, had two wonderful children, completed my education, and secured a good government job. But there was a black cloud which hovered over our (my family and myself) heads for many years.

In 1976, my wife fell into a deep depression. On and off, she suffered from this terrible illness through the ’70s, the ’80s, and part of the ’90s. In 1979, it was my turn to have a nervous breakdown. Thereafter, depression plagued me for some 14 years. Under those difficult conditions, I had to hold a demanding job, look after my sick wife, and care for my two children. I went to hell and back. And if all of this wasn’t bad enough, my marriage broke down in 1992. In 1993, I fell into a deep depression and was hospitalized. I was put on one of the new (SSRI) antidepressant. It did wonders for me and I have been well ever since.

When I came out of the hospital, the doctors insisted that I start therapy. However, I felt so well, I didn’t see the need for it. I consulted with my wife and my doctor and they both agreed that if I didn’t need it, I shouldn’t have it.

Presently, I am a happy and secure individual. I am deeply spiritual and love my Creator with all my might. Today, I look back at my life, and what a colorful tapestry it is. So many countries, so many languages, so much knowledge, and above all, so many people. I can honestly say that any person who crossed my path enriched my life in some ways.

The clan upbringing has been good to me. But how do we extend it to the Western world?

In some kibbutzim* the children live in a Children’s House (Bet Hayeladim) rather than with their own families. They are organized into social units of 5 or 6 children of the same age under the supervision of a caregiver (Metapelet). Each unit has its own bedroom, bathroom, dining room, playroom, and yard.

In the case of infants, mothers spend time with them and the metapelet in the Infant’s House (Bet Hatinokim). However, after the first year, they usually see their parents and siblings only for two hours in the late afternoon. These visits with the parents are purely social. The metapelet care for the children on the physical, emotional and developmental levels.

* I understand that the above system is becoming less and less prevalent in kibbutzim across Israel. No matter. I am interested in the idea itself rather than the extent to which it is still being used.

The effect of the kibbutz way of child rearing have been studied in Israel by comparing the development of kibbutz children with children raised in traditional families. These studies show no differences in mental development or mental health, but there are some differences in the qualities of the children’s relationships with families and friends. Kibbutz children do form strong and positive relationships with their families and friends, just as children in traditional families do, but their feelings – both positive and negative – in the relationships are more moderate and not so focused on single individuals. They diffuse their affection across a large number of people, and their relations with any of them are less intense.

Can we duplicate the kibbutz experience first on a small scale, and later on, on a large scale? We can have full-time child care centers where small children (from 0 to 6) live full-time and where caregivers provide for their physical, emotional, and developmental needs. The parents can visit their children, take them out, have them for the weekend and on weekdays. The choice is theirs. In other words the kibbutz system is emulated but the approach is changed as the circumstances warrant.

Without a doubt there will be many objections to what I am proposing. Such a system is not for everybody. Parents should be able to choose between a full-time child care center or a traditional day care center.

One of the major drawbacks of full-time care centers is that they will prove costly. Another one is the need to espouse a completely different philosophy in the way we raise our children.

Is this generation ready for such a major change? Only time will tell.

Source: Clarke-Stewart, Alison. Daycare. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press, 1993.

Imagine being able to send your kid away for 3 months and get a chance to renew your romance. Imagine being helped by many people to carry out your duties as parents. Imagine not being blamed for everything that went wrong in the life of your children. Gratitude is in short supply in North America and, in many cases, a blaming game takes place. This is sad and it needs to be changed if we are ever going to have a sane and balanced society.

I would not want to leave my readers under the mistaken impression that the clan can always compensate for very poor parenting, or outright abuse. From my experience it can’t. There were toxic parents in Egypt just as there are toxic parents here in North America.

I have had opportunities to compare notes – regarding our respective childhood – with other Canadians of my generation. I also discussed it with my wife who was born and grew up in the U.S. The point was made by these people that their childhood was in many ways similar to mine. After listening to them, I conclude that it was not. The clan upbringing as it existed in Egypt, did not exist in North America. Yes, the society of the ’40s and ’50s was more caring. However, a real sharing of the responsibility of raising the next generation did not exist.

When discussing the children of the kibbutz, I had to leave out a lot of details. My book provides more details, but still come out short regarding the numerous aspects of my proposal. Much more research and thinking is required before we can determine if this is a viable proposition. A book, or indeed books, can be written by suitable experts.