What follows will deal with some of the imperfections,
oddities, and complexities of human nature.

When the manager of a department comes to Chris to discuss
the various problems he has with his employees, Chris advice is
always the same:  he tells the manager to deal with one important
problem only and try to change that.  It could take years to
correct one imperfection.  Once the problem is overcome, does the
manager move on to the next shortcoming?  No.  It takes so much
time and effort to make one change, it’s not realistic to ask a
person for more.  After all, you’re trying to change the basic
nature of that person in one area.

Chris’ advice still guides me when I walk the minefield of
human relations.  I always reminds myself what a difficult thing
it is for a person to get rid of even one defect.  And yet, most
of us are oblivious to that simple fact of life.  We live under
the illusion that we can change people and mold them into our
image of perfection.  It cannot be done.

This one is a classic.  You’ll hear it from young people in
love.

“Tom is such a slob.  He never cleans after himself.  His
clothes are all over the house.  He spends too much time with his
friends.  Well, all that is going to change after we get
married!”

“Lili is such a terrible housewife.  She cannot cook.
Cleaning the house is a foreign concept.  She cannot budget and
is always in debt.  Well, all that is going to change after we
get married!”

Very little will change after they get married.  Older
couples who hear such remarks are highly amused.

Young people who learn from experience to scale down their
expectations, and accept the imperfections of their partners,
will have a happy and long marriage.  The others will embark on
an impossible quest.

There are two major problems in the workplace:  incompetency
at the higher levels and competition.

Ambition is a natural human drive; individuals always want
to get ahead.  Unfortunately, over the years, I have seen too
many people reach a management position, and then be unable to
deliver.  They expect their staff to fill the gap, make up for
what they are lacking.  It would actually work if they accept the
expertise of their subordinates, often they don’t.  Life then
becomes miserable for all concerned.  You have a case of a “bad
boss” and employees transferring out of his department at the
first opportunity, or leaving the company altogether.

Competition exists within the company (if it is large
enough); or other companies, local or foreign, in the same line
of business.  I am interested in the first one.

A company or institution will tend to create a competitive
environment; only the best will be promoted.  To a certain extent
this is good for both parties.  The employees will aim higher,
thus furthering their career; and the institution will thrive.
It’s a win-win situation, but there is an important
qualification.  The institution should always remember that it’s
a difficult balancing act.  They should not go very far.  It’s
like a medicine, the proper dose is beneficial, a large dose is
toxic.

An audit I conducted many years ago will illustrate that
point.  A government agency prided itself in carrying out its
mandate to the satisfaction of Parliament.  Its staff was very
capable, thoroughly professional, and fiercely competitive.
Opportunities for promotion abounded, it was simply a question of
showing to top management that you had what it takes.  On the
surface all was well, beneath there was a lot of tension.  In
time, stress took its toll, and a consulting firm specializing in
this area was called to the rescue.

They offered training which essentially taught the staff
(only the staff, management was kept out) how to keep the level
of stress in check.  At the end of the course, they devoted half
a day to discuss with the participants the nature of their work,
and what caused stress.  A detailed survey was also completed.

A number of important issues were brought out, and many
beneficial recommendations were made.  The two things that I
remember after all these years are these:  Except for
universities, the consultants had never seen such a competitive
place.  However, one can expect, and accept, this type of
atmosphere in the academic world.  In the case of this agency,
this was downright unhealthy.  Among their recommendations was to
do away with performance reviews.  Managers and staff hated them;
they created unnecessary tension and could easily be replaced by
a frank discussion if and when required.

Did management implement all, or most, of the
recommendations?  Did things get better?  I do not know for I
drifted away from that audit.  Nevertheless, the details provided
above are sufficient food for thought for many top management
teams.

There are many considerations here.  First of all, we are
not completely blind to our flaws.  For example, you might
realize that you constantly interrupt other people when they are
talking.  Therefore, you decide to train yourself to listen
carefully before advancing your own arguments in a conversation.

A good friend may inform you about one or more of your
annoying habits.  However, just because you now know, doesn’t
mean that you can change overnight.  But that friend may not
understand that and may expect instant results.  Then again you
may not feel this is important enough to make the effort
necessary to change.

A couple in a marriage will often work on the wrong
assumption that the partner knows exactly what his or her
shortcomings are.  It doesn’t work this way at all.  He doesn’t
know.  She doesn’t realize.  They can be frank with each other;
but just because he is informed of everything he is missing,
doesn’t mean he can make wholesale changes.  Some changes can be
effected, most cannot.

Since my example is about a couple, let me remind you that
the genders think and act differently.  Don’t expect any relief
here.  Ever.  The Urantia Book informs me that, mindwise, male
will remain male and female will remain female throughout the
whole scheme of eternity.  And they will never understand each
other!

Start a new day and look at the people around you with a new
eye.  Physically they can see themselves, and effect changes if
they choose to, and if it’s possible.  They cannot “see” their
character and all the things that can make them so annoying to be
with.  Learn to accept them as they are, after all they are doing
the same for you.  Don’t go on a crusade and try to completely
change a person.  That’s not possible.  Look at the positive in a
person, or better still look at the person as a whole, the good,
the bad, and the indifferent.  We are human, perfection is far,
far away.  It will take us eons to get there.

Are there exceptions to what I just said?  Certainly.  If
there is a situation that cannot be tolerated; for example a
trust or safety issue.

Guy is a lamb around the house.  Apparently, at work he is a
pleasure to be with.  However, put him behind the wheel and he
turns into a lunatic.  The least thing frustrates him.  He swears
and uses a language that shocks his wife Mary.  He speeds too
much and can easily get distracted.  He yells at other people,
oblivious to the fact that he sometime does that to a person
twice his size, or simply a person that may have a weapon.  In
one word, he is a danger to himself, his family, and other
people.  So what should Mary do?

I said at the beginning that you can focus on one important
problem and have a chance of success.  Well, this is the type of
problem I have in mind.  Guy should go for a few sessions with a
psychologist to help him understand and resolve his road rage.
What if the therapy doesn’t produce the hoped for results?  In
this case Mary should refuse to be with Guy when he drives.  He
can drive by himself if he wants, she cannot stop him.  Another
option is to be the only driver in the family.  In time, I
suspect that Guy will overcome his problem through additional
therapy, and become a normal person behind the wheel.

Let me give you two examples. Both are personal since I
acquired that insight through personal experience. The first
example concerns the reactions of other people, the second my own
reaction.

For years I suffered from depression. That in itself is a
major health issue. But the reaction of other people (colleagues
at work and relatives) proved even more problematic.

At work, if they wanted me to join in fun activities, I
refused. Canadians are very polite, but more than once they told
me in polite or not so polite terms that I was antisocial. I
outlined my predicament. Some understood, perhaps because they
have (or had) a mental illness, others did not, but eventually
let me be. A third group could not let go of the “problem.”
They approached it from different angles. They persisted. One
day I had a eureka moment. I realized that these individuals
find it impossible to accept this situation. Depression is not
necessarily an invisible illness, but it is not as apparent as a
physical ailment. They formulated an opinion based on what they
saw and were totally unable to go beyond this point.

Armed with this knowledge, I learned to nod, offer a vague
smile, and say, “you’re right, I believe that will change, I
should give it time.” Once I no longer resisted and got into
elaborate explanations, I had peace, and so did they.

The same applied to relatives. We were invited to weddings,
bar-mitzvahs and other joyous occasions. We (my wife also
suffered from depression) had to refuse and face a big outcry.
In time we learned to politely ignore them.

There is a situation that I am totally unable to accept. It
has no impact on other people, and the impact on myself is
limited. Nevertheless, it’s a good example to illustrate the
point I am trying to make.

I grew up in Egypt in a milieu where divorce was practically
unknown. Spouses separated when one of them died. There was no
legal or religious requirements that forbade people from
divorcing. It simply rarely happened.

In Israel there were more divorces, but still the percentage
was very low.

Then I came to North America and got a shock. Mind you the
situation was not so bad in the ’60s and even the ’70s. In time,
however, the instances of marriage breakdowns soared. I was
totally at sea here.

I have no problem understanding that certain people were
never meant for each other and should have never married. My
problem is with the sheer number. A 40% divorce rate is
catastrophic and is indicative of an ailing society.

Then there are expressions that I find downright
nonsensical: “The health of the marriage.” “Work on your
marriage.” Health? Is that a patient or a marriage? Work? Of
course, spouses should respect each other and work together for
the greater good of the marriage. But isn’t that a given?

There are many factors and I took them into consideration.
For example, our world has become too complex and everyday life
has become very stressful. Of necessity, this will affect many
couples. Most women are now independent and need not stay in a
bad marriage for financial reasons.

All of this is fine and my logic brain accepts it. The
problem is that my emotional brain is captive to cultural
influences carried over from my early life. And they prevail.
Because of that, I now realize that the present divorce situation
is something I will never be able to accept. I accepted that and
moved on.

If you’re stuck in a similar situation, follow my example:
Accept it and move on.

We are often urged by well-intentioned people to do things
that are not within our field of competence, or that we are
simply not inclined to do.  If you recognize the following
situation, then we have something in common.

Your deck has seen better days.  You either need to make
major repairs and paint it, or wreck it and build a new one.  You
prefer the second option and call upon a reliable handyman who
has helped you out in the past.  Your brother-in-law, Dan, hears
about that and hits the roof.  He is handy, and his late father
was a contractor.  Dan used to help his dad, on small tasks, as
early as three!

He incorporated his knowledge “with mother’s milk.”  He
cannot imagine that you’ll spend your money to hire an outside
person.  “I’ll show you what to do,” he says.  “Take the time and
save your money.” 

What’s wrong with this scenario?  Many things:
First of all, Dan is assuming that he can pass his knowledge to
you through osmosis.  Second, if you’re willing to invest the
time you can do anything.  Third, you may not have the time; or
perhaps you have spare time but don’t want to spend it building a
deck.  There are no doubt more arguments that can be advanced to
support having a handyman do the work.  Dan is well-intentioned,
but you don’t want other people deciding how you will use your
money and your time.

There is an Egyptian proverb that says:  “Humiliate your
money and don’t humiliate yourself.”  We can facetiously say in
this case that you have elected to humiliate your money!

But It’s So Simple

Some of the faults of the people around you can easily be
overcome, or so it appears at first view.  Consider the following
situation.

Miranda’s sister, Susan, is coming for a week to visit her.
Susan is a fusspot.  Miranda will make sure that the house is
clean and neat.  Neatness is not a problem for the members of the
household except for Cindy, Miranda’s youngest daughter.  Her
room, at all times, looks like a battlefield.  Miranda asks Cindy
to straighten her room, and keep it neat for a week.  Cindy,
miracle of miracles, manages to do that.  If Susan was staying
for a month, can Cindy manage to keep a neat room for that
period?  No, one cannot imagine that Cindy can go against her
grain for a whole month.

Messiness is one of those flaws that appears easy to
vanquish.  “But it’s so simple to keep a neat room,” you might
say.  Well, it isn’t.  You’re either neat or you’re not.  It’s a
shortcoming like any other and should be accorded the same
respect.

Now to a personal example.  I hate playing.  As a child, I
believe, I played until I was 12.  After that, I devoted all my
free time to my only passion:  reading.

I rarely played with my own children.  Yes, on occasion I
sat on the floor and participated in their games.  I tossed the
odd frisby or ball.  I love to swim and often took them to the
pool and played with them.  However, I’ll be the first to tell
you that it wasn’t enough.  You might say:  “But it’s so simple
to play with your children; pretend you enjoy it.”  Well, don’t
be deceived, it’s not simple at all.  You have to do, day in and
day out, for many years, something that goes against your nature.
It’s downright impossible.

I was still a child when I learned an important lesson.  I
had a good friend by the name of Shemesh.  I had invited him to
my home for lunch a few times, and he wanted to reciprocate.  But
there was a problem.  His father, Selim, was a very impatient
man; he also had quite a temper.  Eventually, I could no longer
get out of it, and accepted an invitation for supper.

I was playing with Shemesh when his dad came and asked me if
I wanted to come and see him work.  I should mention here that
Selim’s hobby was refurbishing old furniture.  I would have
preferred to carry on playing with my friend, but I had to be
polite.

I observed Selim working on an old armoire.  It was utterly
fascinating.  He did his work so patiently and so carefully, you
would have thought he was handling a baby.  When Shemesh’s mom
called us for supper, I left the workshop with regret.  During
supper Selim was calm and a solicitous host to his young guest.

Was Selim really an impatient man?  Did he had a temper?  If
so, during my time with him I saw no sign of that.  Shemesh
assured me that he wasn’t exaggerating.  It’s just that when he
worked on his hobby, he was a changed man.

Even at my young age I learned that people were neither
completely white, nor completely black.  In later years, the
lesson was reinforced by many similar incidents.

My father had a cousin named David.  David never married
and, as far as I know, never held a job.  He lived with his
parents and earned some money doing odd jobs for the synagogue.
When his parents passed away, he relied on the charity of his
siblings, assorted relatives, and the Jewish community.  He later
immigrated to Israel where he relied on the charity of the state
and the religious community.  With the help of friends, he built,
overnight, his own house; and through some obscure squatter law,
he owned this house free and clear!  It wasn’t much of a house,
but David was a very frugal man and needed very little.

Before you label David as a loser, let me provide you with
more details.  In a religious sense, David was a very learned
man.  He had read the Talmud, the Kaballah, and the Zohar in the
original Hebrew.  If required, he could read obscure texts in
Aramaic.  He could argue the fine points of the Talmud with the
best of them.  When it came to the Kaballah, he was recognized as
an authority.

One Saturday morning, he took me to the synagogue.  After
the prayers, we sat with the rabbi and with other men to discuss
controversial Talmudic points.  I was mesmerized by the ensuing
discussions.  At the end of it all, David left everybody in the
dust!

David had a great influence on me.  From him I learned that
the universe was a gigantic administration.  That there were many
other worlds.  That there was incredibly beautiful places and
great learning to be acquired.  All that and much more awaited
the Tzadik (righteous person).  Most people will have a share in
the world-to-come.  His readings had convinced him that there was
no such thing as hell.  You either carried on or died and be
annihilated for good.  He was convinced that God looked very hard
for Mitzvots (good actions) so that you can avoid such a terrible
fate.

For years thereafter I hungered for additional knowledge.  I
tried to read the Kaballah and the Zohar in English.  However,
they are very difficult to follow.  Random concepts are scattered
throughout these books.  I gave up and hoped that one day I would
find an answer to my questions.

When the Urantia Book came into my life, thanks to David, I
was ready for it.  He had planted a seed in me.  By the time I
finished reading the Book, the seed had grown into a magnificent
tree.  I passed on my knowledge to my children and my brother.
My children grew with that knowledge.  Michael, while still in
his teens, read the book from cover to cover.  Both of my
children will never have to face their own mortality!

What a beautiful legacy David has left to his second cousin
and later his children.