But why am I calling this normal process a miracle?

First of all, we are all very different from each other. Not so long ago, I was watching a television program on identical twins. The point was repeatedly made that identical twins are different from each other. Twins or not, the fact is, we rarely agree with each other; even when we do, there is never complete agreement. Try this experiment when you’re with a group of friends. Bring up a contentious topic for discussion, then listen to the different views. You’ll be amazed at the different opinions you’ll hear. I think it is safe to say that there are no two people on the face of the earth who think exactly alike.

Second, we need to remember that in order to exercise the free choice granted to us by the Creator, and ultimately be accountable to Him, we need to have our own personality, a personality unlike any other. It follows from this that we all walk alone in life. There is only so much we can share with another human being. A few years ago, my wife lost her father. My first instinct was to do my best to console her, and of course I did just that. I also wanted to share in her grief; it is then that I realized that you can never really share anybody’s grief. My wife walked alone down that road. I could not walk by her side. As a unique personality, she came equipped with the power to choose. And that power meant that she alone could make the choices which would ultimately allow her to come to terms with her loss.

Finally, we need to remember that humans are intelligent animals. Intelligent animals are calculating animals. They deceive, lie, cheat, are greedy, and by and large try to better themselves at the expense of other humans. It is not always a pretty picture, but it is part of our human make-up.

If we are so different from each other, and if each one of us pursues his/her own interest, then how do we manage to live together? There is obviously no simple answers. There are many considerations here. Let’s look at three of them:

1. The need to unite

   The members of a family need to work together in order to meet their needs. Even something as simple as preparing supper requires, if both mom and dad work, that everybody pitches in. If they don’t, well, supper will be delayed. If one or more members continually shirks his/her responsibilities, this will create dissension in the family.

   This is also true for nations. Israel is comprised of people who came from the four corners of the world. No party had ever had a majority in parliament. There has never been the necessary agreement to adopt a constitution, a flag, and a national anthem (the existing flag and national anthem are unofficial). Yet, if there is the least danger, the people unite and work together like a well-oiled machine. They have to, for the survival of the nation is often at stake.

2. Distribution of skills

   Skills are distributed throughout our society. You need, at one time or another, so many other people. It could be an electrician because there is a problem with the electric circuit. It could be your banker because you need to increase your line of credit. Then again, you may need urgent surgery. In this case, the whole machinery of an amazing institution, a hospital, will work together to get you better.

3. Social species

   Humans are born with an intrinsic need to interact with other people. A 4-year-old instinctively look for children of her own age to play with. Mom, dad, and the older sister are no longer enough. She needs to widen her circle.

We also need to share our thoughts and feelings with our family and friends. This is not a concrete need like asking mom for an advance on your next allowance, or a paying chore, for you urgently need the money. It’s more subtle than that. Let me give you an example.

Kira is 17. She has a 15-year-old brother, Simon. She also has a 16-year-old friend, Nadia. Simon sees Nadia and goes nuts! He asks her for a date, but she gently turns him down; he is too young for her. Simon goes to his sister and asks her to plead his case. She succeeds in getting Nadia to go out with Simon. After their first date, Simon is bursting at the seams. He can’t wait to tell his sister that Nadia is the most amazing girl he has ever met. Now compare and contrast the two needs. First Kira sweet-talked her friend into going out with her brother. A service was rendered. Next, Simon needed to share his feelings with a person that knew Nadia. No service was rendered. Both, nevertheless, are human needs. And Kira has met both needs.

The last question left is how can we improve our interactions with other people? This will differ according to the circumstances of each one of us. Therefore, each individual armed with the insights provided in this writing, should answer this question. I can, however, provide some examples:

1. In your family and at work, do your own share. Don’t sit back and expect other people to do your work.
2. Select the appropriate person for the job. Don’t ask a colleague at work who has no organizational ability, and no interest in sports, to organize a softball team!
3. Respect the wishes of other people. What you love, another person abhors. Therefore, stop insisting that your girlfriend joins you for a weekend in Las Vegas. She hates gambling.
4. Praise, praise, and praise some more. Forget about the fact that people get paid for their work. Individuals providing their services are helping you out. Show your appreciation at all times.

These are some examples. There are obviously many more. Ultimately, good human relations makes for a happy and balanced society.

I first studied pharmacy. In the first year of pharmacy, I had 4 subjects: chemistry, physics, botany, and zoology. Each subject in turn was made out of a few related topics (with different professors and different books). For example, chemistry included physical, organic, and inorganic chemistry. Physics included heat, optics, sound, electricity & magnetism, and particle physics. Same deal for botany and zoology. Then, there was the lab work. I carried an experiment once, and if this experiment came on the exam, I had to remember what I did a few months ago. I could repeat an experiment if I was sick on that day, or for revision purposes, but not all lab work lended itself to repetition.

I stand in awe at the ability of the brain to store all that and spill it out during a stressful exam.

Another example is what we call corporate memory. Say I worked for a bank for 20 years. I was asked one day to remember something that happened 17 years ago! With the help of some documents from that time, I was able to provide management with the requested information. You might say that there was sufficient written data from that time. Yes, but nothing can replace a human. I provided the circumstances, the reactions of the players, and my own interpretation of what happened. I could have even put my own spin on the whole thing!

No amount of archival material, or even the storage capacity of computers, can replace a human memory. These are tools. They help us; they cannot replace us.

The example I like to give is that of a vacation. If I went to Europe for a month, and visited many countries and places, what is the most precious thing I bring back with me? My memories. Sure, I can take many pictures and keep a detailed diary. But these are only tools. They help my memory. Personally, I feel that a vacation pays dividends mainly as memories that stay with us for many years.

Take a child of 4 to Disneyland and he will go wild. Ask him at 7 what he remembers, and you will realize that he only has vague recollections of the whole thing. Take that same child at 7 and again he will go wild and remember the trip many years later. If you have the funds and energy to take him at 4, 7, and 10, well, that’s even better!

A small child will gradually store in her memory the words of her mother tongue and use them to intelligently communicate. Memory is not a blunt instrument; even at a young age we can learn from past experience what is desirable and what isn’t. We can then use that faculty to express our desire. An offer from mommy of strawberry and cream is readily accepted by the little one; whereas mashed carrots and chicken is greeted by a “no, I am not hungry.”

Three things will always happen simultaneously during our lives:

1. We need to make a decision; it could be a simple one like what should I have for lunch, or a difficult one like is this the right man for me?
2. Next, we go to our store of memories and select relevant past experiences; these are now our alternatives. One or more of these alternatives will be used to arrive at a decision. Of course, a difficult decision will be mulled over carefully and most probably postponed. If possible, a decision is avoided altogether.
3. The final act is the most interesting. As we go through this give and take process as between our experiences and our thinking process, we shape our personality. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that we modify our personality. You see, the original genetic package is the starting point. It can, and is, manipulated throughout our lives. It can, and is, changed continuously. This amazing process may be influenced by our early experiences. However, using unhappy experiences as an excuse for poor decisions, will thwart God’s intent of providing us with an infinite number of chances to correct past errors. A story from my past illustrate that point.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I befriended a man in his late forties. Our shared love of books brought us together despite the age difference. This man was a confirmed bachelor, or so everybody thought. One day he confided in me that in reality he felt lonely and would have loved to have a woman in his life. Over the years, he has dated many women, but none of them was the right one, and today it was too late. In my youthful exuberance (today I recognize it as wisdom), I told him that he was still relatively young, had a good job, and enjoyed good health. Therefore, he still had plenty of time to share his life with a woman. Whether it was what I said, or perhaps he was finally ready, the fact remains that a few months later he told me that he was engaged. Less than a year after our conversation he got married.

1. The positive side of human memory.

   This simply means remembering the good done to us and being grateful. It does not necessarily means returning the favor.

   Two years ago, I was hospitalized. My ex-wife had just moved to a rural area, my son was very busy and travelled a lot, and my daughter lived in another city. Does that mean that I was all alone? Not at all. I had two friends who came everyday to the hospital. They brought food, the newspaper, and other reading material. When I was discharged, they took me to doctors’ appointments. They also brought groceries and cooked food. My brother and my sister-in-law came from Montreal twice to help out. My son, despite being very busy, did his share of work. I had at the time two roommates who provided me, when required, with assistance. Finally, the excellent care provided by the staff at the hospital was second to none, and is appreciated to that day.

   It’s unlikely I can return the favor to any of these people. But, no matter. I have in a corner of my memory a shining light. And that’s what makes the positive side of human memory such a beautiful thing.

2. The negative side of human memory.

   Human nature being what it is, there is unfortunately much more to say on this topic.

   There are still on this planet, in the 21st century, cultures who exact revenge when a member of their family or tribe is killed. “If you spill the blood of my kin, I’ll do the same to you.” The matter doesn’t end there; this new murder now need to be avenged. It’s a vicious circle, and it’s carried out from generation to generation. These people disdain the justice system and take the law into their own hands. You might say that these are primitive and ignorant cultures. Well, that’s even more depressing, for it shows how ugly human nature can be without the polish of education.

   Even within an advanced society, the line between revenge and justice gets blurred. When there is a crime in a community, the police is expected to quickly produce a suspect(s). However, since criminals do not leave behind a calling card, sometimes this can prove difficult. Put under pressure, the police does produce a “suspect.” Often, an innocent person is caught in the wheels of the justice system and has to fight hard to get exonerated – or not.

   Then of course there is grudge. We say that elephants carry a grudge for a long time. But science has found out that elephants have such a phenomenal memory to remember where the water holes are! This is vital knowledge. Without their memories, they wouldn’t have survived as a species. To the best of our knowledge, they don’t use their memory to carry a grudge over many decades. That’s a human specialty, at least for some of us.

   There are friends who haven’t talked with each other for years because of a fight over a long-forgotten incident. There are parents who have been estranged from their children for decades over their choice of mate. Is there ever a good reason to allow hate to prevail where love should reign? Carrying a grudge is toxic to the mind and body. And it is the person who carries it that suffers the most.

   The third category, in relative terms, is more palatable. We can hang on to bad memories from a difficult period in our life, or remember the pleasant aspects of this period. It’s a matter of choice.

   For some 14 years, from the late ’70s to the early ’90s, I suffered from depression. My wife was even sicker. I wonder today how I was able to hold a demanding professional job. I question how our children were affected only to a limited extent. They were adolescents, this was the period of their lives when they needed their parents the most.

   In 1993, I fell into a deep depression and was hospitalized. I was put on one of the new (SSRI) antidepressant. It did wonders for me and I have been well ever since.

   Today, when I think of this period, do I have good, bad, or a mixture of good and bad memories? Only good memories are left. And there was a lot of that.

   I remember the ’80s as a time of laughter, of music, of expanding our horizons, and above all, of being enveloped in the warm embrace of spirituality.

   Our family has a wonderful sense of humor; we laughed a lot when we were well. Depression is cyclical, therefore, not all days were dark.

   In the ’70s, we discovered the classics. Over a period of some 15 years, we listened to countless symphonies, concertos, etc. We listened to some 50 operas and attended many in Ottawa, Toronto, and Montreal.

   In the ’80s, television was becoming more sophisticated. Thus we watched many programs on nature, evolution, the cosmos, etc. We also devoured books. We learned a lot and freely exchanged knowledge with each other. We also had “specialists.” Rita (our daughter) read everything she could find on medicine (including Grey’s Anatomy!) She was the “doctor in the house.” Michael (our son) loved astronomy and had his own telescope. Norma (my wife) was into psychic phenomena and had a psychic gift to boot. During her sleep, she occasionally received visits from the other side!

   In 1982, The Urantia Book came into our life. It transformed us like it has done to all the families who welcomed this wonderful gift to our planet. This book was my specialty. I discussed it at length, first with Norma, and then Rita and Michael. It started the day when they came to me and asked, “tell us daddy, what is the real Adam and Eve story?” Both Norma and I always stressed this admonition from the book: “Nothing is more important than what you are doing right now.”

3. The neutral side of human memory.

   We’ve all heard stories of doctors who leave a profitable practice and go to Africa to heal the sick. Then there are adolescents who use their spring break or summer vacation to work on a worthwhile project in South America. These people do not know at the onset who they’ll be helping. It’s not like helping a niece in a crisis. There are family bonds and shared memories.

   The actions of these people are pure goodness, but memory doesn’t play a role. So why include it under memory? Because when these Good Samaritans have concluded their work and gone back home, they will have memories. And they will have grown in stature both in their own eyes and in the eyes of their communities. Being at a loss as to how to call it, I used the term neutral.

4. When memory is gone.

   In 1998, I had major surgery. Within a day after leaving the hospital, the surgical wound got red and itchy. My son took me back to the hospital, and I spent a night there for further treatment. Because the whole thing was unexpected, they could only find a vacant bed in neurology.

   The first thing that greeted me there was a very agitated patient. Since I had been given a sedative, I quickly went to sleep. When I woke up on the following day, the patient was calm and was being fed by a nurse. Later on, two visitors came to see him. They stayed a while and then left. During that time, there was total silence. Neither the patient nor the visitors spoke. Next, another visitor came. Again, total silence. In turn, this visitor left.

   So this is Alzheimer I thought. This is what happened when memory is gone and only a shell is left. There is a silence that crushes the soul; unspeakable mental anguish for family and friends; and a person who can no longer recognize the people he has known and loved during his life.

What follows will deal with some of the imperfections,
oddities, and complexities of human nature.

When the manager of a department comes to Chris to discuss
the various problems he has with his employees, Chris advice is
always the same:  he tells the manager to deal with one important
problem only and try to change that.  It could take years to
correct one imperfection.  Once the problem is overcome, does the
manager move on to the next shortcoming?  No.  It takes so much
time and effort to make one change, it’s not realistic to ask a
person for more.  After all, you’re trying to change the basic
nature of that person in one area.

Chris’ advice still guides me when I walk the minefield of
human relations.  I always reminds myself what a difficult thing
it is for a person to get rid of even one defect.  And yet, most
of us are oblivious to that simple fact of life.  We live under
the illusion that we can change people and mold them into our
image of perfection.  It cannot be done.

This one is a classic.  You’ll hear it from young people in
love.

“Tom is such a slob.  He never cleans after himself.  His
clothes are all over the house.  He spends too much time with his
friends.  Well, all that is going to change after we get
married!”

“Lili is such a terrible housewife.  She cannot cook.
Cleaning the house is a foreign concept.  She cannot budget and
is always in debt.  Well, all that is going to change after we
get married!”

Very little will change after they get married.  Older
couples who hear such remarks are highly amused.

Young people who learn from experience to scale down their
expectations, and accept the imperfections of their partners,
will have a happy and long marriage.  The others will embark on
an impossible quest.

There are two major problems in the workplace:  incompetency
at the higher levels and competition.

Ambition is a natural human drive; individuals always want
to get ahead.  Unfortunately, over the years, I have seen too
many people reach a management position, and then be unable to
deliver.  They expect their staff to fill the gap, make up for
what they are lacking.  It would actually work if they accept the
expertise of their subordinates, often they don’t.  Life then
becomes miserable for all concerned.  You have a case of a “bad
boss” and employees transferring out of his department at the
first opportunity, or leaving the company altogether.

Competition exists within the company (if it is large
enough); or other companies, local or foreign, in the same line
of business.  I am interested in the first one.

A company or institution will tend to create a competitive
environment; only the best will be promoted.  To a certain extent
this is good for both parties.  The employees will aim higher,
thus furthering their career; and the institution will thrive.
It’s a win-win situation, but there is an important
qualification.  The institution should always remember that it’s
a difficult balancing act.  They should not go very far.  It’s
like a medicine, the proper dose is beneficial, a large dose is
toxic.

An audit I conducted many years ago will illustrate that
point.  A government agency prided itself in carrying out its
mandate to the satisfaction of Parliament.  Its staff was very
capable, thoroughly professional, and fiercely competitive.
Opportunities for promotion abounded, it was simply a question of
showing to top management that you had what it takes.  On the
surface all was well, beneath there was a lot of tension.  In
time, stress took its toll, and a consulting firm specializing in
this area was called to the rescue.

They offered training which essentially taught the staff
(only the staff, management was kept out) how to keep the level
of stress in check.  At the end of the course, they devoted half
a day to discuss with the participants the nature of their work,
and what caused stress.  A detailed survey was also completed.

A number of important issues were brought out, and many
beneficial recommendations were made.  The two things that I
remember after all these years are these:  Except for
universities, the consultants had never seen such a competitive
place.  However, one can expect, and accept, this type of
atmosphere in the academic world.  In the case of this agency,
this was downright unhealthy.  Among their recommendations was to
do away with performance reviews.  Managers and staff hated them;
they created unnecessary tension and could easily be replaced by
a frank discussion if and when required.

Did management implement all, or most, of the
recommendations?  Did things get better?  I do not know for I
drifted away from that audit.  Nevertheless, the details provided
above are sufficient food for thought for many top management
teams.

There are many considerations here.  First of all, we are
not completely blind to our flaws.  For example, you might
realize that you constantly interrupt other people when they are
talking.  Therefore, you decide to train yourself to listen
carefully before advancing your own arguments in a conversation.

A good friend may inform you about one or more of your
annoying habits.  However, just because you now know, doesn’t
mean that you can change overnight.  But that friend may not
understand that and may expect instant results.  Then again you
may not feel this is important enough to make the effort
necessary to change.

A couple in a marriage will often work on the wrong
assumption that the partner knows exactly what his or her
shortcomings are.  It doesn’t work this way at all.  He doesn’t
know.  She doesn’t realize.  They can be frank with each other;
but just because he is informed of everything he is missing,
doesn’t mean he can make wholesale changes.  Some changes can be
effected, most cannot.

Since my example is about a couple, let me remind you that
the genders think and act differently.  Don’t expect any relief
here.  Ever.  The Urantia Book informs me that, mindwise, male
will remain male and female will remain female throughout the
whole scheme of eternity.  And they will never understand each
other!

Start a new day and look at the people around you with a new
eye.  Physically they can see themselves, and effect changes if
they choose to, and if it’s possible.  They cannot “see” their
character and all the things that can make them so annoying to be
with.  Learn to accept them as they are, after all they are doing
the same for you.  Don’t go on a crusade and try to completely
change a person.  That’s not possible.  Look at the positive in a
person, or better still look at the person as a whole, the good,
the bad, and the indifferent.  We are human, perfection is far,
far away.  It will take us eons to get there.

Are there exceptions to what I just said?  Certainly.  If
there is a situation that cannot be tolerated; for example a
trust or safety issue.

Guy is a lamb around the house.  Apparently, at work he is a
pleasure to be with.  However, put him behind the wheel and he
turns into a lunatic.  The least thing frustrates him.  He swears
and uses a language that shocks his wife Mary.  He speeds too
much and can easily get distracted.  He yells at other people,
oblivious to the fact that he sometime does that to a person
twice his size, or simply a person that may have a weapon.  In
one word, he is a danger to himself, his family, and other
people.  So what should Mary do?

I said at the beginning that you can focus on one important
problem and have a chance of success.  Well, this is the type of
problem I have in mind.  Guy should go for a few sessions with a
psychologist to help him understand and resolve his road rage.
What if the therapy doesn’t produce the hoped for results?  In
this case Mary should refuse to be with Guy when he drives.  He
can drive by himself if he wants, she cannot stop him.  Another
option is to be the only driver in the family.  In time, I
suspect that Guy will overcome his problem through additional
therapy, and become a normal person behind the wheel.