Blame – V. Destructive Blame
Date Posted: January 10th, 2008
I have a very specific type of blame in mind. The kind that exists within a family. (I’ll also address this type of blame within society in general). A blame which, if not stopped, can, like acid, eat into the structure of the family until it collapses. There are many examples. Let me give you two.
The Jones live on a quiet street. Their 6-year-old boy, Jonah, often goes bicycling near the house. The parents keep an eye on him and there have never been any incidents. On that unfortunate day, a car goes down the street just as Jonah is turning a corner. The parents hear the terrifying sound of a collision and the squeal of brakes. Jonah is killed instantly. What happens in this case is fairly typical. The parents will be devastated. They will grieve for a long time; really forever for you never get over the death of a child. Then a process that shouldn’t be part of human nature, but unfortunately is, begins. They begin blaming each other: “Had we gone to visit my parents like we planned…” “If you didn’t teach Jonah to be so daring, really reckless…”
None of them is really responsible for what happened. Nothing will ever bring their little boy back. Blame, if it continues, will wreck their marriage. Yet, this is the time to come together, not to split!
Emily gets pregnant at 19. Her boyfriend, Amos, is willing to assume responsibility. He marries her a year after the baby is born. A marriage at such a young age will not survive? Not necessarily. If they love each other, and if they get the necessary support from their parents, it can thrive. There is a major advantage here. They are so very young and are capable of doing things they will no longer be able to do even 10 years from now. Never again will they have an inexhaustible store of energy like now. Never again will passion bring them together so powerfully. They have an edge over a couple that, say, married in their thirties. So what can possibly break such a strong bond? Blame.
Amos: “I was going to study to be a meteorologist. Look at me now, I am spoonfeeding the little brat and changing his diapers.”
Emily: “When you got me pregnant, I was in my first year of college studying to be a chef. I love cooking. But for all of last year I cooked for a man who considers hamburger, pizza, and fried chicken as gourmet food. What a waste of my talent.
” “I got you pregnant? Wasn’t it…”
“It didn’t happen by itself you know, and…”
On and on the blame goes on. Slowly but surely they are destroying their marriage. It need not be this way. Today, there is a lot of support in our society. If they really want, they can conceivably complete their studies and achieve their dreams. But first they have to be positive and work together. Blame can be defined in this case as two people working against each other.
Destructive blame exists in society as a whole. Divorce, the right to die, gay marriage, abortion, and countless other contentious issues pit one segment of society against the other. The media whips the crowd into a frenzy. It spurs us into meddling into other people’s business.
The media when I was growing up was a 10 to 15 pages newspaper that occasionally offered commentaries, some of them provocative. Today it is the radio, television with 24-hours news channels, newspapers, and of course the internet. Let’s not forget the call-in shows where every Joe and Jill offer their views. Everybody is a pop psychologist; we all know what our politicians ought to do.
In an advanced society, we don’t meddle into the business of a family who has to decide whether to pull the plug on a very sick relative. We don’t tell a woman we don’t even know to keep her baby. In an advanced society we … Well, never mind. We are not an advanced society. We still enjoy meddling into other people business and blaming them for a situation we are not even acquainted with!
