Lester has always been a good man; therefore, when he died,
he went to heaven. The first few months were, well, heavenly.
Heaven lived up to its reputation as being a place of great
beauty, a place where a man can finally experience eternal peace.
In time, however, Lester started to get bored. There was nothing
to do. Perhaps he could visit old friends who had predeceased
him?

He remembered one of them, Martin. The way Martin has lived
his life, surely he was in hell. He went to the administrator to
check. Martin was indeed in hell and, yes, he could visit him.

On the stated day, one of the fallen angels came to take
him. They went through a large number of dark corridors, and
eventually emerged into a huge place. It was filled with people
talking, singing, and laughing. It was saturated with smoke;
there were bottles of liquor everywhere; and there were a large
number of gorgeous women, with very little on them.

The angel took him to Martin. After the small talk and the
hugging, Lester asked the obvious question: “This is hell with
liquor everywhere and such beautiful women?”

“My friend,” replied Martin, “this is indeed hell. Here the
bottles have holes and the women don’t!”

*  *  *
A man died and went to heaven. On the first day, the
administrator filled him in on the routine of the place. One of
the things he mentioned, was that transportation depended upon
how faithful a person was to one’s spouse during his or her
lifetime. This man has never cheated on his wife. He was
therefore given a Mercedes. In time, two of his friends, and
eventually his wife, died.

The first friend was not always faithful and was given a
motorcycle. The second often cheated on his wife and was given a
bicycle.

One day the man in the car meets his friend on his bicycle.
After catching up on old times, he says: “I feel bad that you
have to travel on a bicycle, heaven is such a big place.”

“Don’t be sorry for me,” he replies. “I just saw your wife,
she was on roller-skates.”

*  *  *

An engineer died and went to hell. Being an engineer, he
found that the place needed a lot of improvements. He had a long
talk with Lucifer and was given carte blanche to effect all the
necessary changes. He started by building small apartments to
give the damned a measure of privacy. He build bridges over the
fiery pits. Finally, he installed air conditioning!

When word reached St. Peter as to what was going on in hell,
he hit the roof. He send one of his angels to Lucifer with
instructions to wreck all the work undertaken by this engineer.
But Lucifer would have none of it. The matter was then
approached in a different way. Can the case of this engineer be
reviewed to determine if he could be taken out of hell? When the
records were reviewed, it turned out that there has been a major
administrative error. The engineer was a good man and should
have gone to heaven.

The triumphant angel returned to Lucifer. “I will not give
him back,” said Lucifer. “This man is invaluable to me. And
there is nothing you can do about it.”

“Yes, I can,” replied the angel. “If you don’t give him
back, we will sue you.”

“Are you crazy,” said Lucifer. “Do you know how many
lawyers we have here?”

*  *  *
The boss asks his employee: “Do you believe in life after
death?”

“I certainly do,” the employee replied.

“That’s a good thing,” remarked the boss. “Yesterday, while
you were at your grandmother’s funeral, she came here to visit
you!”

*  *  *
A man was travelling through Europe. While in Rome, he
visited a small church. There he noticed on a small table a
golden telephone with a sign next to it stating: “Telephone
calls to heaven, $1,000.00.” In Paris, again he encountered the
same golden telephone and the same prohibitive rate. The story
repeated itself in other European countries. He was curious but
he wasn’t willing to pay such an amount. His last stop was
Ireland. There, in a small church, he found the golden telephone
with a sign stating: “Telephone calls to heaven, 25 cents.”
Very surprised, he questioned the priest: “How come a call to
heaven is a $1000.00 everywhere in Europe and here it’s only 25
cents?”

“My son,” explained the priest patiently, “you’re in Ireland
now. This is a local call.”

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