Jokes – XIII. Some Jewish Stories (1 of 2)
Date Posted: March 8th, 2011
The Rabbi of a small Jewish town died. The Rebetzen grieved for a long time over the loss of this wonderful man, but life goes on. In time, grief was replaced by loneliness; the people in the town suggested she remarries, but this was a small town and the only available bachelor was the town’s butcher, a widower.
The Rabbi was a very educated person, the butcher on the other hand was no intellectual giant. However, one needs to be practical, and this lady eventually married the butcher.
On their first Shabbat together, after she came back from the Mikveh (ritual bath to purify oneself), the butcher whispered in her ear, “according to my mother, Judith, we should have sex after the Mikveh.” So they did.
After lighting the candles, and having their Friday night supper, the butcher whispered in her ear, “according to my father, Haim, after the Shabbat meal, we should have sex.” So they did.
On Saturday morning, they went to the synagogue; after coming back, the butcher whispered in her ear, “according to my aunt, Rivkah, we should have sex after the Shabbat prayers.” So they did.
And on it went, with the butcher apprising his new wife that, according to such and such relative, sex was recommended after this or that event.
A week after her wedding, the Rebetzen meets her best friend at the market:
Friend: “So, nou, how is it going? How do you like your new husband?”
Rebetzen: “A scholar he is not; but he has such a wonderful family.”
* * *
Abel has been going to Schwartz Delicatessen for lunch for as far as anybody could remember. All the customers knew him and he had his own booth.
One day Abel did not show up, nor did he send word that he was ailing. But Schwartz was not unduly concerned. However, when a few days went by, and still no Abel, Schwartz was frantic. He called at home, and asked his neighbors, nothing. Abel has vanished in thin air.
One day, from his counter, Schwartz saw Abel eating lunch across the street at Goldie Delicatessen, his hated competitor. He ran like a michigene (a mad man) across the street and was almost run over by a bus.
When he confronted Abel, he was asked to first calm down, he looked like he was going to have a heart attack,
This is the story said Abel: “I had an abscessed molar; oy the pain, don’t ask; my fever went up and I went to the emergency where they kept me under observation for 24 hours. When I went to the dentist, he lanced the abscess and gave me antibiotics and pain pills. The last thing he said when I left was, ‘Abel, for the next few days, eat on the other side.'”
