What Women Want – VIII. “He Doesn’t Listen”
Date Posted: July 1st, 2010
I remember reading a fictional story where the bible tale of
Adam and Eve was, in a humorous way, modified.
Under that scenario, it seems that Eve was created first.
Being a woman, she could manage quite well on her own; however,
she was lonely. She talked to her Maker, who after a lot of
thought, proposed a partner, Adam. He then went on to outline
the pros and cons of this potential mate. One of the things He
said was, “he doesn’t listen.” Eve in her eagerness to escape
her loneliness agreed to accept Adam with all his flaws. And
this is why women are today stuck with partners that do not
listen, and have many other shortcomings!
Women are more emotional than men. This is as it should be
for they have to be better attuned to their environment. They
play a central role in the survival of our species.
While this feminine aspect is a valuable quality, it also
has a drawback. Women can be ultra sensitive to both
consequential and inconsequential matters.
For many years now, I have been aware that women have a huge
need to talk and be listened to. Talk therapy was first used to
help women; most of Dr. Freud patients were women. However,
unless it’s really necessary, women do not satisfy that need by
going to a therapist. They talk amongst themselves. If they are
really lucky, the man in their life could be a good listener, and
they talk to him as well.
Now this is the part that has totally baffled me over the
years.
A woman can have a long conversation with a friend about a
particular issue. She then goes on to have an even longer talk
with another friend about the same problem. All of that may come
after she’s had a long talk with the concerned party. After all these communications, the odds are that she will once again call up these same friends to again unburden herself, as her mind is still in a state of flux, which her friends were unable to pacify in the first instance.
Why is all that necessary?
My (limited) male mind see it as follows: either the friend
(and one is usually enough) help you get a handle on the problem
or she doesn’t. Either she makes you feel better or she doesn’t.
One way or another, what is the point of discussing it with more
friends? What is the point of following up with the same
friends?
My only explanation is that it takes longer and requires
more effort for a woman to unburden herself. She also needs more
than one opinion. All of that is fine, the mystery, however, is
that that particular wound takes an inordinate amount of time to
heal. Whatever the case, men need to be good listeners. So what
is involved here?
The problem with men
By not listening to the woman in your life, conversations
turn out to be a dialogue between deaf people. It’s funny if
it’s a skit, in real life, it can lead you to a marriage
counsellor or worse. So what should change?
1. Listening carefully to women is an important part of
“being a man.”
2. You don’t have to agree, just listen and try to
understand. People are usually more willing to work things out
when they feel understood.
3. Try to understand and sort out the underlying emotions.
Although they would never say it openly, for women, the feeling
is usually more important than the content of a conversation.
4. If you need to criticize, be diplomatic about it. Do it
while stressing the positive.
5. Men assume that they need to be the fixer in a
relationship. Not so. Involve your partner in the decision-
making process. Don’t ever come across in a conversation as
being overcontrolling.
Rules of effective listening
1. While listening, the only thing expected from you is to
understand her experience, feelings, attitude, or opinion.
2. Always give her your undivided attention. Don’t watch TV
or read the newspaper while she is discussing an important matter
with you.
3. Ask relevant questions to encourage her to open up and to
clarify things for your own benefit.
4. Try to understand the feeling behind what she is saying,
as well as the content.
5. Indicate that you truly understand her point of view,
and, whether or not you agree with it. Reconfirm underlying
facts when necessary.
6. A conversation that degenerates into a shouting match is
no longer useful. Nobody is listening. Try to calm things down.
Source
AskMen.com – Listening Skills
www.askmen.com/money/body_and_mind/11_better_living.html
